Litigation is high anxiety. Family law especially so. We (including as mediators) hear “He/she is such a liar” and “He/she is a total narcissist” and “He/she needs to [fill in the blank]” They just unload on us as if we could or should actually fix their spouse or ex or counsel the client in a therapeutic way. Shouldn’t do it. Don’t do it. So what can you do? Here are some phrases I’ve pulled from a Facebook posting:

• I understand this is a lot, but I’m not the best person to talk about this with. I’d recommend a therapist, do you have one? 
• Perhaps you should see a counselor.
• I’m a better lawyer if I don’t hate your ex.
• A judge will not fix your ex or make him/her a better person or parent. Let’s focus on what we can control to protect you and/or your children as much as possible.
  • In mediator mode: We can’t fashion an Agreement that will make him/her a better person or parent. Let’s focus on the best Agreement to protect you and/or your children as much as possible.
• I tell them their therapist is more qualified to handle the emotional aspect. 
• We cannot create an order [Agreement] than makes him/her a decent human.
• Your ex is not going to change. The only change that will be helpful has to come from you.

In the mediation context the mediator has to let the parties say their piece even if it is pretty heavy raging at the ex or almost-ex. But it has to be cut off. I’ll say “I hear you. It’s clear you’ve felt this way for a long while and had to deal with it. I’m sure your lawyer can refer you to a counselor to help you deal with this in the long run but right now we need to focus on getting the best possible Agreement.”

At the outset of a mediation, before we get into the details, something like “Everyone comes here with a past, a story of troubles, and I’ll never tell anyone to ‘just get over it’ or ‘you need to just forget about the past’ or similar. But then “what I do ask is that for just the moment, this time in mediation, you try to but it on the back burner while we craft how to move forward. Are you ready to move forward?” And they always say yes.

Your mileage may vary, but give it a try and Happy Mediating!